Part of Me
by Kita Samuelle
Summary: It's in the blood that runs through my veins...it's consumed my mind....it's part of me. My worst nightmare come true. And it will only get worse. And it's all I'll ever be. Spoilers for S5


**Disclaimer: I do not own lfn. **

_**Part Of Me**_

It felt as if the world was swirling. Nothing seemed still. Everything was spinning out of control. And there was no way to stop it. No way at all.

Every plan ever made. Every dream. Hope. Fantasy. Were gone. They dissolved. Evaporated. Withered away. Died. Gone now, they're gone for good.

And there's nothing left of me. Nothing at all.

I'm hollow. Empty. Void. And nothing can fix it. Not now. Not anymore.

It's all gone. And there is nothing else to dwell upon. Nothing but memories. Nothing but pain. Hurt. Anguish. Agony. Suffering. Misery. Violent loss. That was all that welled around me. Nothing else dared to come in my little corner of darkness. My hopeless, worthless corner that I cling to for however long I can. It won't be much longer, but it'll have to do. For now all my freedom is gone. All my choices. Decisions.

You'd think they'd expand now. But they don't. They're just made worse. Because now I know. I know it all. The cold, hard facts that you can't lie about. You can't hide. They're there, in broad daylight, and they refuse to leave me alone.

_I will never get out of this place. Never._

Never. Forever. Eternity. Heaven and Hell. They're all an awfully long time. And they're all mine. Minus a Heaven or two. For surely no one who steps foot in my prison could ever shine bright. Could ever be redeemed. Forgiven. Cleansed. Not with the grand list of my sins. With every commandment ever written has been broken. Multiple times. Over and over and over. With all the horrible things I've done. Every bad thing I've committed. Every time I went out to do a duty that was forced upon me.

All just to survive. Just to keep living. Just to keep this heart beating. Lord only knows why it would have ever mattered. Perhaps not even the Lord knows. Sure enough, I don't.

It doesn't really matter anymore though. I'm dying inside, I can feel it. I doubt it's something a doctor could diagnose. Or any named illness so far. No, what I have is something far worse. Indescribable. I couldn't tell you a name to slap upon it, but I can tell you that it's really there. It's really eating me up. And slowly, oh ever so slowly, it's killing me.

Nothing matters. Nothing at all. Nothing in the world. It's all gone. Gone for good. And all I have left is this emptiness that is lodged inside me. A gaping hole never to be filled. While sadness, hopelessness, wraps around me like a heavy frozen blanket. In my bleak little corner of dark.

A shrill noise suddenly cuts through the thick air. It assaults my ears, sending waves of pain through my head.

Slowly, consciousness creeps in to my thoughts and they start to click together. It's the cell phone. It means only one thing.

My name is Nikita. I am the new Operations of Section One. The heir to the biggest chain of anti-terrorist organizations. Code name for 'all who want a first class ticket to hell before ever turning grey'. And that phone is going to have someone from Systems on the other line. Telling me about a new mission I must be briefed on. To hand out to others so they may sacrifice their lives for 'the greater good.'

It means I'll take my reign in the Perch today. For the first time.

I've avoided it as long as possible. Going back to a place that holds nothing for me. My own little corner of hopelessness - just bigger. With more people inside it.

Not the right people. Not the people I need. The people I love. The people I want back. That had to be sacrificed, either for the so called 'greater good' or to be reunited with something I will never know again. Freedom. In all it's wondrous glory.

I've been left all alone. To be the owner of something I despise. The one thing I've been trying to so desperately escape from. The place that has taken so much from me. Taken so many.

But, like so much else, it doesn't matter. Facts are facts, no matter how horrid they may be. This is my life now.

Because I'm Nikita. Operations of Section One. Heir of It All. To be the Big Man...er, Woman of Center one day. This is my life. And it has taken over my very being. It's in my blood that runs through my veins. It's eaten my heart and ripped away my withering soul. It's consumed my mind. It's marked upon my body.

It's part of me. My worst nightmare come true. It's who I am now. I'm my own walking, living, breathing nightmare. And it'll only get worse. And it's all I will ever be.

All alone. With my nightmare. And a hundred Operatives eagerly awaiting my call.

_"Operations?"_ Says a shaky voice on the other end of the phone.

"...That's me."

I try to get up, but my legs are too weak right now. I lay back down and rest among my fading memories that surround me, shattered here on the floor.

**-K.S.-**


End file.
